Spotty raptors: not a moment’s peace

It’s fledgling time for the spotty raptors. “Oh hey wow. One of four, eh? Must be tough.” “Dude, you have no idea. It’s impossible to get any peace. It’s all ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME. I can’t even have a bath without one of the others wanting to get in too. Just five minutes, you know? That’s all. That’s all I want. Just five minutes. Or two. I’d settle for two. Or even one. Hell. Yeah. Let’s say one. One damn minute of peace. To chill, have a drink. Get some water up under the feathers. …

The Spotty Raptors – Mad Max causes a difference of opinion

SPOILER WARNING! “So, um, Mad Max, what did you think?” “Mumble-mmmf?” “Mad Max. The new one. Tom Hardy and Charlize Theron.” “Mmmm mmmf mmmf mumble mmf.” “Yeah, I know you went to see it last Thursday. That’s why I was asking.” “Mmmf gnnnngh mmhgnn mmf.” “It’s just, you know. I didn’t like it.” “Mmble?” “Everyone says it’s fantastic, euphoric, the best thing ever, and Furiosa might as well have been driving around a War Rig loaded with salty man tears, but it was stupid.” “Mmmf mmmble gnngh mmfngle!” “Really! They only take the thin, pretty girls, no water or food, …

Bathtime chat

“Do you think Hannibal uses TP or a bidet?” “Excuse me?” “He’s a serial killer, I know, ‘Don’t eat the rude’ and all that. But he’s, what, an aesthete, right?” “I really don’t know what you’re talking about.” “Hannibal Lecter. I just can’t imagine Hannibal Lecter using toilet paper. I mean, what brand would he buy? I don’t think he’d be won over by puppies. Does Claire Fontaine make toilet paper?” “Is this—” “Seriously. What’s the most expensive toilet paper you can buy? Also, do you think eating people makes a difference to the consistency of your poop? I can …

A Host of Sparrows

TODAY WE HAVE INTERNET. A ROO, A ROO, A ROOGA. Thus far in our new house, we have been adopted by the following garden birds: Edgar Allen Notacrow the blackbird and family, who observed us moving in and made sure we knew HE WAS HERE FIRST, SO MAKE SURE YOU BEHAVE BECAUSE HE WILL NOT STAND FOR ANY NONSENSE. Mr and Mrs Splashalot Songthrush. Mr Splashalot has Very Firm Ideas about what constitutes a proper bath. Mrs Splashalot is more restrained and thinks he’s an idiot. She REFUSES to bath with him because he GOES TOO FAR with all his …

A poem about a spider

I have met a spider His name is Palpy Pete He has a hairy tummy And hairies on his feet He’s living by the kitchen He’s living in the hall He’s right where I can see him He’s right there on the wall I think he seems quite friendly I think we could be chums He’s not nearly big enough To bite me on the bum. This is, in fact, a Lace webbed spider, a common species with, like many spiders, a strangely romantic name. We don’t get the more common house spider in our cottage, only these ones. The …